As I braved the crowds at Carindale Shopping Centre yesterday, I was subjected to a never ending sound track of Christmas music, with the ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ featuring heavily. Now this got me to thinking about the origins of this song. I am sure you are familiar with the concept that the person started out on the first day sending a partridge in a pear tree and then upped the ‘anti’ each day until the twelfth day when the poor bugger wound up with 12 drummers disturbing the peace of the festive season. This song is in fact about a stalker harassing what is clearly an unrequited love with 79 items designed to disturb the recipient. This includes 23 live birds and some 41 random people either making noise, leaping about or milking cows in their driveway. If you actually did this you would be charged with various crimes including stalking, using a carriage system to harass and illegally possessing livestock in a residential area. If it happened to me, I would keep the pear tree, cook the partridge and take the 5 golden rings up to the cash converters. The rest of the assorted foul and birds I would set free, tell the milking maids, leaping lords, pipers and drummers to p*#S off and drop the 9 ‘ladies dancing’ back to ‘Bad Girls’ in the Valley.

To actually send all these gifts to your ‘true love’ would not only guarantee that person would never speak to you again, it would be hideously expensive. In fact each year as part of the consumer price index the actual cost of the 12 day’s gifts is calculated. This first started in 1984 when the total came to $12,623.10. This has increased each year to be $27,673.21 by last year. The only time the total fell from the previous year was in 2002 when the CPI fell by 7.24%

This year the total price would be a whopping $31,120 due in part to the increase in the minimum wage for the milking maids , the fine for interfering with wildlife (don’t feed the swans) and the scarcity of French hens. The pear tree remains the cheapest item at around $20.00. So on balance this is not a good idea as a gift to impress the one of your desires. Not only is the cost prohibitive your Christmas will be ruined by the restraining order your ‘true love’ will have the courts place on you.

If you truly want to win his/her heart then the ideal gift this Christmas is a Southern Cross Yachting gift voucher!

Vouchers can be bought for any amount, or a specific course or charter, are redeemable for 12 months and best of all will not leave your backyard crammed with farm workers, deranged British peers and random musicians covered in bird guano.

I will take the 5 golden rigs however!

That’s all for this edition, until next time watch where you step!

Mike Job

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